Some late night thoughts…people are asking me why I, an independant woman with goals, direction, am going to “submit to marriage, conform to society, not want to change a woman’s role in a man’s world” and “marry some dude?”
I became this “independant woman with goals” that you know and see BECAUSE of this “dude.” This beautiful, amazing, precious man in my life. Nothing better than him will EVER appear in my life again. I won’t let him become a regret nor a mistake in my life. He’s made things clearer in my life. He’s brought direction, unconditional love, support and happiness. I would be stupid to rid that from my life. You find a muse, inspiration or motivation in your life and just as hard as it is to find, it’s just as easy to lose. If losing an important piece of myself will bring success, I wouldn’t want to succeed. I’d choose happiness everyday.
And it’s not that I’m settling for less by being with him. We’ve been living it up! We’re growing as individuals together and helping each other become the best we can be each and everyday. Just think…how rewarding it is, for me to wake up each and everyday, look into his eyes and see how much we’ve brought into each others lives? It’s very rewarding. I’d like to think I was a part of shaping him into the man he is today, just like he’s the guy who’s molded me into the woman I am today. We’ve taken so many adventures together, which only brings us closer.
If marriage isn’t your thing, it’s not. But don’t push your “feminist ideals" onto me by saying I’m conforming and marrying. There’s a much bigger picture here that your "ideals" have clouded you with.
I have someone in my life who sees me more than JUST his equal. He sees me higher than himself. Someone who prioritizes me. Someone who has never ever held me back from my full potential. With fear in one hand and trust in the other, he pushed me to find and pursue my passion. He didn’t even keep me at bay, but miles and miles; even oceans away. He’s that someone in my life who sees my worth and I see his. I am not kneeling down to him nor is he kneeling down to me. We’ve been standing together, side by side and hand in hand. He’s that someone who understands my silence. He never questions my intentions and open-handedly helps me without expecting anything in return.
And because I have all that and more…it’s SO precious to me. I know for a fact I won’t EVER find anything as precious, rare and beautiful like him again in my life. I won’t. A man like that doesn’t happen overnight. Who wouldn’t want to keep something like that in their life? I want to surround myself with his love. I want to wake up in it, bathe in it, breathe it and go to bed with it. So, aside from your political ideals and views upon men and women and where they should stand in society, we’ve grown into the people we are today BECAUSE of each other. We’ve become more human, more full of love and the good and bad that our relationship brought. I hope and pray, whoever your God may be, will he send you someone like that. Because once it happens, it won’t happen again. I hope you won’t mix it up and let it go.
I thought of Lady Gaga’s quote,
“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”
And I always think, but will my career hug me when I’m crying? Will it kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am? Will it be there to pick me up when I’m down? Will it lend me a hand when I’m broken? Will it cook me a meal when I’m sick or feel my burning forehead when I’m sick? Can it do anything a person does?
I’m not ashamed to follow him, knowing that he will do the same.
I’m not saying it was easy to get where we are today. There was a lot of debate, doubt, tears, laughter, smiles, sobbing (hard endless sobbing)…we worked hard at us. It wasn’t just working hard at ourselves, but us. Every chance we got, we did us. Made time for us, thought about us, considered us…
So yeah, I’m marrying the best thing life has gifted me with. I want to be stuck with him. I don’t want anyone else stuck with him! ;)
I’m extra gassy tonight. Someone slipped some cheese in my sandwich. Bring lactose intolerant is crap! Lol. Pun intended.
Busy days need to stop……..I can’t even treat this gas. I got stuff to do!
It’s our second night living separately. It’s so lonely. He’s only 5 minutes away…but he feels so far at night. I miss him.
Yesterday as I was driving home from his place, I accidentally turned as if I was going home. Our old home…it made me so sad. Reality set in as I passed the house.
Right when I got home I received his texts.
"Damn I miss you" 9:57PM
“Ok make sure you eat” 10:14PM
“Sigh maybe this wasn’t a good idea to move away from each other” 10:15PM
“Sigh it will be ok. I miss you tho” 10:24PM
He rarely ever texts me because he knows I’ll come back home to him or he’ll come home to me. But it’s so nice to see his little notes and random thoughts. =) I thought maybe it was just me being over emotional about our situation…..but he was feeling lonely too.
I miss him. On nights like this, I miss bugging him. Waking him up in the middle of the night so he doesn’t have a hard time sleeping. Waiting to cook for him…making his lunches. It felt so empty to do ask these things alone because it felt so nice to have someone next to you to do them with. It only served as a reminder that I don’t want to live without him. He’s important…..so important to me. He keeps me healthy, loved and happy.
Thank you God. He’s beautiful. I miss him…….we’re supposed to have lunch tomorrow! Yay~
But now I’m just thinking about my big move………=( I don’t want to be away from him for about 7 months. That’s almost a whole year! =’( I’ll find a way……..I will.
I’ve been very busy this whole year so far. I haven’t had proper time to rest, enjoy my last few months with family and especially with my peanut. It’s stressful. I can’t handle this high stress environment as I used to. It’s not even old age……as I get older I want to spend more and more time with important people. The people who matter. The one’s I want in my life…
I have such a difficult time saying no to people. All I want is these next months to be stress free. I cancelled all my projects and am only keeping pre-existing ones. I’ve been staying up until 3am for 6 months now. I’ve been thrown out of my routine and I can’t get back into it. Hopefully once things settle down I can get things going again.
For the time being……..I want to hide in a corner and ignore everyone and everything.
I was that girl once. I dreamt about a dramatic love story. I hoped I’d find a guy who would yank me by the wrist and pull me back in for a hug as a kind of compromise after an argument. A guy who would pick on me and I’d find out it was because he liked me. All those crazy unrealistic drama scenes rolled in my head.
But then when Matthew came into my life all my previous expectations of crazy korean drama love scenes were met with reality. And when I think of it, reality is so much better.
I still remember when I first met him. He was sitting in a corner looking at his phone and I remember thinking, “Oh, he’s wearing my favorite color. Green.” I was so excited to bring in the new year that night. I didn’t even think we’d be where we are 5 years later. It wasn’t love at first sight, nothing big happened, there wasn’t anything extraordinary. I actually don’t remember much…I just remember a few days later we kept making small talk.
I was in a part of my life where I was completely content. Life was good, school life was fun, I was travelling. I was drama free, life was letting everything fall into place. And it’s always times like these that life throws you a curve ball! A good surprise it turned out to be.
I am so blessed and lucky. We were only dating for a few months when I studied abroad. He worked and attended school in the morning, and I had lab and my job at night. It wasn’t even night, it was late late night. I didn’t come home until 3AM. Our days were opposite of each other but most nights he’d stay up just to say goodnight. (He doesn’t do that anymore. I learned that he’s not a night owl. He can’t even stay up past midnight. I commend him for trying that hard for me!) He’s given me freedom to chase my dreams, travel abroad, work abroad and given me an abundance of confidence.
These are the kinds of things that I did not expect from him. He’s always so positive and encouraging. Even when I was sick, a bit depressed and lost he always gave me courage and hope. I’m so thankful for him. So so very thankful. I just hope the people in his life will realize how great of a person he is.
These days being next to him and with him is an absolute blessing. I’ve been taking my iron supplements lately. It’s time for another check up. Because my mother’s been ill, she’s really put things into perspective for me lately. How can an unhealthy person take care of others if they can’t take care of themselves? I’m not the healthiest person, but I want to be. I want to be strong and healthy enough to reduce the worries of the people who love me.
I’m sure he’s worried about the big move. We’ll be spending about 5 months away from each other. We’ve done it before, but after living together these past 2 1/2 years, things have definitely changed. I’ll miss having meals with him. I’m going to hate sleeping alone. I’m absolutely dreading that! My paranoia gets the best of me.
I’m so excited for this new chapter in our lives. What a huge secret! ;) And it’s so nice to share it with that one individual.
I really want a moomin doll. I know my ultimate goal was to live minimalistically…but I think I’m going to get a moomin doll. Lol. I need to cope with living alone while my peanut’s gone. :( So I will hug that doll in the mean time. I gave my sheep doll to my host sister and have been hugging air for a while. Hahaha. I need Moomin!
If you look for doubt, complaint and negativity in all situations you will never be disappointed. You’ll always find it.
I’ve had it with being with people who always bring a negative light to the table. They turn every good situation into a bad situation. They dig and dig for a complaint….they look for doubt in a place of light. Always. Each and every single time.
I say something good, I tell them good news, or I’m just making a comment…statements…and all I get is a bunch of doubt. Complaints. Negative viewpoints. EACH and every time.
Why do we do this? Why do we let ourselves bathe in negativity? Why do we look for darkness while standing underneath the sun? Why? Does it feel good to be bitter and cold all the time?
I just don’t get it……….I don’t.
Yes, busy. But it’s so good being surrounded by so much love, friends and family.
My very good friend, (I’m sure you’re reading this. LOL.) visited and brought over her sisters dog on Friday night. It was so nice to have them over! I was a little in my own world as I was trying to finish things up before the big weekend BUT, it was good to get a little breather, play with Gambit and chit chat with my friend. It’s been way tooooo long!!!!! If only we could have hung out longer. :( But I’m sure she’s busy. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for us all.
Today I attended my other very good friends wedding as she asked me to take photos for them and video record. It was so nice being surrounded by their loving family and seeing so many friends there. Weddings are always so bittersweet! Especially traditional weddings. I was looking through the photos and they were all so beautiful. A few shots here and there of tears, smiles, laughter and frowns. :) All very beautiful.
I’ve got some graduations to attend tomorrow, then one more wedding this upcoming weekend! :D
I dunno but when I grow up I wana become a Zoologist(love animals for some reason) and have DJing(love music) and being a Florist(love flowers) be my hobbies…but first I kinda want to go into the army for some reason, after high school, but at the same time I don’t want to. I don’t know I’m still…
I’ve been drawing 100 drawings per week for three weeks now.
I absolutely hate drawing. It’s a chore for me. I cannot wait to work with fabric, touch it and sleep with it and do everything with it! Everyday I have to pull out newsprint I want to throw it at a wall and be done with it.
I still have two more fashion drawing courses after this and I am absolutely dreading it. I mumble and whine day in and day out. I hate it! I don’t know why I don’t enjoy it…I guess you only enjoy things when you’re doing it as a hobby. School does something to your hobbies…it almost kills it. =/
In other news, I deactivated my facebook. Life has been…even better. It has shed some light on many things in my life. I actually got a lot more finished in these past two weeks than I have in two whole months. I decided I’m going to be living minimal. My goal this year was that if I had to, all my valuables would be put into a suitcase and if I had to, I could take that one suitcase and be able to go anywhere and live there.
That’s my goal. :) And so far it’s going well. My closets lighter and I’m 100% concentrated on my passions and dreams. My house is looking lighter and lighter. I gave away a bunch of furniture and stuff.
I want to travel the world. $5 for a burger here? Or $5 for something in some random country? I choose to travel. I choose those memories over a piece of furniture I want or an impulsive want. I choose the country, culture and something that I cannot buy momentarily. :D
And I’m so glad I have someone who’s on the same page as me!